PERSONAL WORK
“I send this smile over to you…”
This is the song that changed my life.
It was summer, 1994.
I saw the video for “Disarm” on Much Music (Canada’s MTV).
I was deeply enthralled with the song. Although I was years too young to comprehend what the song was about or what the words even meant, there was a sonic soul connection to it.
It was the first time I ever “felt” music.
I had to have that song. I had to hear it again. I was shopping with my aunt at the local mall. We went to a record store to buy my first ever album with my own money. I presented the album Siamese Dream in one hand with the small allowance I was given from my mom in the other to my aunt. As hip as my aunt was, she was not about to risk the wrath of my mother for letting me buy an album with a song titled “Silverfuck” on it.
Crushed, I kept flipping through SP’s available discography and came across a thin jewel case with a crude sketch of what looked like a clown face on the cover with the word SMILE etched underneath. I turned it around and read the 3 songs available on this single. “Soothe”, “Blew Away” and “Disarm”. My aunt’s expression turned crooked at the cover art - but she succumbed to my plea.
That night, lights out, Discman in hand - I listened to “Disarm” on repeat - over and over and over until I fell asleep.
At such a young age for a song to draw so much emotion is so profound to me. To this day, that song makes me feel the exact same way it did 26 years ago. For a kid who always felt a little different than everyone else, this song was and is still a warm blanket.
That following morning I decided to pick up a guitar.
NOTE: I eventually inconspicuously bought Siamese Dream a few months later. I took the album home and using a white out strip, blocked out the FUCK portion of “Silverfuck” incase my parents ever got their hands on it.